Shadow Minister for Perfect Eyebrows Resigns

Jeremy

It’s with a heavy heart I write to you to tender my resignation as Shadow Minster for Perfect Eyebrows. This of course will not be a surprise as we have been planning this for months regardless of the EU Referendum outcome but Hilary Benn cocked it up
and let you know before we could surprise you.

As you heard me say on Sky News last night, I simply do not think you are the Leader who has the abilities to take us forward because [AWAIT TEXT FOR REASONS WHY FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS PRIVATE CORPORATION FUNDING]. I had to go on Sky News as I wanted Alan Johnson to know I blame you, not him for his badly run campaign. However, no one has seen Alan for about 6 weeks but hope wherever he is, he has a TV.

Its been tough having you as a Leader, I found it hard to tell many of my golf club friends I supported social housing. I thought you meant councils would be giving the ‘riff-raff’ a tent, I had already accepted a £10,000 donation from a Tent Manufacturing company. Imagine how embarrassed I feel now he tells me you meant you wanted Labour to build homes for these working class people, if that was not bad enough Jeremy, you wanted these homes with water and electricity! You demonstrated by that one action how out of touch you are!

Your support for Trade Unions is a disgrace, how can we support such organisations who demand rights and minimum wage for cleaners and other servant type people. Who in their right mind would think voters would support such policies? Trade Unions contribute nothing to this party except millions of pounds. I bet they even think they created this party!

But the final nail in the coffin for me was you welcoming immigrants, to the UK. I am not a racist, I have a Polish Cleaner, a Slovakian Au-Pair and even get my takeaway curry from an Indian guy. But can you really want these immigrants here for more than cleaning and cooking? Apart from keeping our NHS alive, contributing billions to our economy and keeping our vital transport/public services going, what have the immigrants done for Labour or the UK? Our core voters are leaving to live in Spain, Portugal and South of France because they are sick of immigration!

Again, you’re out of touch with our voters (except the 3 million BAME voters and 20 million non racist voters).

We cannot win with you as our Leader, you are better suited to lead a democratic socialist party where members can elect you democratically through a vote. Maybe we should for a laugh try this democracy malarkey, you should stand, I’d be surprised if any party member would vote for you, you might be lucky to get 4.5%!

Anyway, must rush, I’m due back on Sky News in 20 minutes, hope they don’t ask me anything about the EU, I didn’t even go canvassing for the referendum, although I am enjoying the football, I put money on Canada to win!

Best wishes

Seema Chandwani MP

Ps: this is just a resignation of my shadow cabinet position, not as an MP – I enjoy my salary too much.

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